Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2.40am
hehehehehehehehehehe... so happy!!!!
finally we are back together again..
this time round, we will learn to compromise each other.
not gonna be like last time.
here's our agreement.
-MOnday, tuesday, wednesday i will be at my own house.
- Thursday, friday, saturday and sunday i will be at his house.
-During mon to wed if mama gt cook den i will go home and eat and at the same i can see BBBB!!
and he's allow to have his own free time, playing cs fishing hanging out with friends but then subject to approval. hehe.. but he need to inform me whenever he's going out or wat lah. but i must go home after that. NO CHEATING ARH!!! hehe i no myself later i will please here and there. BUT IF i wana work this relationship out i must learn to b independent canot rely and allow stick to him so much. MUST UNDERSTAND AND DO THIS THING WELL!! ok get it!!
-and thurs to sun will be my time with him, BUT I CAN NEVER TAKE FORGRANTED!! have to be understanding too, but he promise me will have dinner with me everyday. unless circumstances doesnt allow. and he will learn to use nicer words and tok to me nicely. lesser harsh words.
-den during those day that i shld be at home i can go home and c BBBB but have to go home myself. hehe but tmr he say can stay longer den he sent me home after that.
-if in between he have got his things to do must tell me in advance, dun let wait lik an idiot. like works or going out.
-
I WILL LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT AND NOT TO RELY ON HIM. NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!! TRUST HIM HAVE FAITH IN HIM BELIEVE HIM, HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF TOO!!! U CAN DO IT!!!! LEARN TO COMPROMISE MIT UP HALF WAY GIVE AND TAKE!! REM TREAT EACH OTHER TRULY DEEP DOWN FROM THE HEART, NO QUARREL TOK THINGS OUT.I seriously hope that this time round we can work things out, not gonna be like last time. this time will change!!!! and we can do it!!! hehe.. all the way to teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng!!! HURRAY!!!
02:40; secrets.
Y
Sunday, April 26, 2009
4.33am
i seriously duno what should i do.. i'm so tired of his hack care and cant be bothered.
i felt that i'm so useless i cant make him love me any more.
i no longer hold a place in his heart. maybe i should really let go.
he has already given me an answer. till now all he cares was his friends not me.
he dun like me to ask:
what time he coming back?
where u going?
can u dont go out and accompany me?
can u reach home by this timing?
all i do was wrong. nothing in his eyes that i do was right.
all i can is listen to him. never will he care for my feelings.
04:32; secrets.
Y
Saturday, April 18, 2009
1.00amyet another lonely night out here typing my blog.i seriously dont know what i'm doing was it right or wrong?loving someone is to see him happy, am i doing it for him?its a friday night , finally i dont have to turn up for work tmr again.such an tiring week ,neverlessly we could hit our daily target easily.finally off but wasnt feeling well today. my big aunty came visited me yesterday, making me in pain for the whole day. aiyah then slight fever in the afternoon but had recovered. thought i could spend my night with him but he didnt has the same idea as me. i thought maybe we can still go over to sz hse watch him play cs while i watch my drama too, but haix.. he chose fishing. i know he like fishing, and i allow him to go i wan him to be happy. but y is it that he cant mit me half way? he know how to say i go fishing then u wil b alone at home leh, u will be bored leh.. and i will go till morning leh. den i say ok u go loh. den since then y cant u say okok i go but i will be home early i dun go till morning k? i ask him is it that u must fish till morning can be home before morning. he told me but 4-6am is the best fishing time. i say den u go at 3+ loh. he say but must prepared everything mah. den i say ok nvm loh.. den again i ask again must u really go till morning? his face turn black and said to me if u dun wan me to go den u tel me or wat time wan me to b home den u tel me loh. den i say nvm lah nth lah u go loh.. am i in the wrong again? everyday whenever i finish my work i really hope to reach hm faster to see him, everytime i see him i reali wish that i can hug him but knowing that he would push me away i draw myself away from him. to see him everyday hug him have my dinner with him everyday is still the best rewards that i can have after every tiring day of work. but i know it only lies on me not to him. what more can i wish for? althoughi have to do all those chores myself but at least i can have my dinner with him. but really contented there's time he does help me in it too, if that happens it would b a sweet dinner for me.. but sometime the clumsiness of me would pop up end up making him angry. again he would scold me y cant always get thing right? just a simple thing and u're always messing things up. like dropping of spoon, forget to take someting, spill the drink or food, drop anything or the food on my plate end up letting benben baby eating it. i tink the sight of seeing me irritates him alot. everytime i saw couples whenever i'm working, i'm so envious of them.. i saw their bf hugging them.. sayang them buying things for them,helping them carrying things. i saw old couples bringing their childs out shouting laughing quarrelling.. but after everything they still hold each other hands and walk off.. father carrying the baby with 1 arm and holding on his wife hands with another arms. even elderly couples holding hands together buying grocessies together. i can only watch them from far envious them. day dreaming on my own, would i ever have this day?my dear, i really dont know what more should i do to make you love me? knowing that u really care for me, care for how i feel? am i just a passer by, u already know that i cant be the one ther's nothing more i can do to change you? coz the feeling you had for me had already fade but just holding on to me coz someone better hasnt appear? u told me that u're hoping to see that my attitude will change, but never did u felt that i have. coz all the things i do meant nothing to u.. it doesnt matters anymore. do u know that? u're finding excuses for yourself, i know you dont wana commit urself. but could u at least be fair to me? since u know i cant or wont b one y dont you just tell me and make things clear to me? y make things and life so miserable for me? u told me its not a matter of who she is, is u urself. if i wil to ask u this question, 5yrs or 10yrs from now u have everything, all that u wan car money career condo and everything u wish for. would u marry me ? deep now in ur mind do u really wanna be with me? do u wanna hold my hands till the day we die? most importantly r u happy i'm u r with me? will u forsake everything for me? i know the answer myself , although i always say i wana end this relationship but i always regretted after saying. even after we parted i get with other guys no one can replaced u. never did i like anione of them i just wana use them to get over u.. they may have all the materialistic things but all i wan is u. u can have nothing we eat bread, we share our 1 packet of rice,we take bus we take train we go windows shopping just lik in the past but at least we can b happy. though at times ther's thing bothering u as well. but we overcum things together. now we dont share things together that much, u dont tel me whats bothering u. everytime i tok seems to irritates u. making our conversation sound so deadly and boring.. is this what couples r like?
00:59; secrets.
Y
Thursday, April 2, 2009
11.00pm
i'm so confused.
all i know is seem so near but yet so far.
its like although we r living together but we dont know what's on each other mind.
so tired of the guessing game. so tired when you know you wont be the one.
so tired of holding to something which you dont know is the thing really for u? is he really into u? or just all out of rely?
i use to think letting go is the best choice to end all this pains and agony. but things is always easier said den done. i have come to a conclusion myself but i dont know how should i break the news to him. i wan him to know i'm nt just a girl who only know how to throw tantrums and nothing but just attitude. i wan him to know i'm a girl worth him to rely on for life, a girl whom he can get married with lead his life with. not the way what he've been thinking of me "COZ U GOT ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!, ALL U KNOW IS TO SHOW ATTITUDE!!!"
i know i'm imperfection, but who doesnt?
i will prove him wrong. even it's not him, i shall change myself for the better.
he told me is not a matter who is he with now, is not a matter whoever she is. is a matter that he himself dun wan get married at this age. he wanna wait till he have stablize his career his fiancial his relationship. i dont know how long can i wait, i dont know will he still need me by his side. i give myself till 17th sep 2010, through out this 1yr+ i hope we can each fight for what we can do. hopefully we can work thing out this time round, hopefully by nxt yr we should have an asnwer to ourselves..
deep down i know it myself i'm not the girl for him.. i know i'm throwing myself at him. i know he can just ditch me off anytime. but i just cant stop myself from loving him. after all this years, i still yearn for his love. but i know i dont hold a place in his heart. truth hurts but lies hurt even more.
my 21st birthday is the most heart breaking day through out all my birthday. i know i'm at fault who causes all this but after everything y is it that i'm stil unable to eat the cake that he brought for me? everyday i have been wishing to see a cake, a cake that he specially brought for me.. i dun mind if its small i dun mind if its not nice i dun mind if its just a small slice of cake.. all i wan is he brought the cake just for me specially for me. everytime we quarrel i mention it to him , evertime he promise me but it all ended in false hopes.. it hurts me most whenever this comes in mind.
22:59; secrets.
Y