Friday, December 14, 2007
4.46am
i felt tat i'm being so useless..
cant even do the simplest thing tat gf shld do..
duno y.. actually today shld b a happy day for us..
but it seems lik i mek it turn unbeautiful..
didnt slept the whole nite til tis morning..
he woke up in the morning we had our breakfast, haha overnite food!
but stil taste delicious.. he brought "botak JOn" for me the pevious nite but didnt ate it til tis morining.. nice of him rite? but ytd was angry so didnt apprechiate it at first.. hehe..
we watch MOBTV together den soon i fall aslp haha when he called Starhub..
i told him loh wake me up when he's done but he didnt worx..
but his intention was gd coz i didnt slept the whole nite he wanted me to rest so didnt wake me up.. hehe.. hapi hapi hapi~ but when i woke up den i noe its 2pm le,kaox y didnt wake me up earlier sia? lik nt enuf time le.. i almost scolded him loh.. he told me he did wake me up juz tat i'm too tired tat y gt no idea of it.. den i noe hehe luckily i didnt scolded him.. lolx!! =P or else deep trouble!! ya tink he saw the msg tat lousi sent..but i didnt tel him abt it when i saw the msg.. am i wrong? tink so,but he didnt mention to me his either mah.. hiyah duno lah..
oh ya he noe i'm rushing for the interview he quickly go bath n sent me to my destination.. at 1st i even told him nvm lah u stay at hm to help benben to bath den i go over by myself,but stil he sent me there without fail.. hehehe.. hapi hapi hapi~
i went for my interview n he headed to his previous office to take vouchers.. coz he wana bring me go shopping.. thoughtful of him rite? tink its since sometime we last went shopping.. so he wana bring me out as well as he's off too wanna acc me.. he even went to my hse ther to buy me siew mai the 30cents siew mai so slurdup! den we went shopping but got nth.. deardear lik one of a PUMA jacket its 142 bucks,but i wasnt able to buy it for him.. so stupid of me i shld noe he need a jacket more den a watch mah.. yet i brought him thing tat he actually dun need it.. hiyah useless of me..til he came hm he's stil toking abt the jacket loh.. shld i buy it for him? but currently both of us doesnt hav a stable income.. shld i wait or get it to pleased him? but i noe if i'll to buy it he sure damn bloody wil scold me de loh,sae i waste money again coz i alrdy no money n he's running out of savings..shld i juz KIV? beta? when i got my job ok le den get him something beta? wil he b happier tis way? hiyah duno wor..
hiyah.. den the upset part came..
we went for movie den everything went fine til the stupidest n clumiest hands of me mek him angry.. reali didnt did it purposely, juz wanna feed him the bread who knows wil kana his mouth,den end up kana scolded..den i dun dare to feed him le.. aiyah always like tat de.. i was playing wif my hair den he got angry,my hair is messy mah.. gota tidy up mah,oso kana scolded "can u stop playing wif ur hair?"
really duno how can i mek him happy n maintain happiness.. ya she called him today asking for directions,ok he did told me when she called although i was uneasy but i told myself its ok mah they're friends mah.. dun tink too much.. i'm stil trying.. reali dun wana mek him feel stress up coz of my own inferior.. i noe she's much beta den me.. unlike me! got no figure no boob!!!!such a big tummy bad complexion cant even wear skirts n heels!!! even at hm oso have to wear shorts n t-shirt always meking him turns off towards me.. yet so short!!! eyes so small,mouth so big!!! uneven teeths cant even smile!!!! wanna go swimming complex oso dun dare to wear bikini n swimming costume!!! cant even swim!!!! alli noe is eat n eat n eat!!!!!!!!! look so ugly before or after make-up!!!!!!! so many scars!!!!!!! i'm reali upset.. i reali got no confidence in myself.. after our break up i calculate everything wif him..unlike her even mama say so.. she didnt even ask him to pay her the 400,but me? upon break up dig everything up n say.. she same age as me but she hav got herself a driving license me? cant even different shape left n right properly.. deardear once told me even in future we were to buy a car he reali cldnt put his mind on rest when i'm driving.. he's afraid tat i will juz call him n tell me today kana summons,door nv lock misplaced of things take long time to reach a place n having accidents..lata i break the mirror when parking or scratch the car when parking or driving.. i noe i'm juz useless.. always cant get thing rite..actually he oso right when he scolded me,i'm juz tat kind who need to b scolded.. she hav got so many friends round her but i got no one.. she came from wealthy family i came from lousy n poor family.. always asking me for money.. sometime i do wonder if she is stil tinking of him? or he is stil tinking of her too? he doted on he ma.. doesnt always me to bully him,ya mayb i'm too sensitive.. but i was tinking if they do stil feel for each other y dun they give each other a chance? she hav being looking for him even though they have broke off..in the beginning till now.. n i noe tis time round was him who went to look for her.. i didnt blame him.. n i shldnt too.. although he told me before he wld rather go for a new one den to go back to her,but when it come to love sometime thing are beyond control.. i was hurt by him times n times over n over but in the end i stil chosen him coz i noe i love him..even after everything.. i reali wana c him hapi if i cant b the one i sincerely hope he wil found someone beta.. if she's the one i hope she wldnt do things tat hurts him once before n neither things tat i had done.. am i silly or stupid?
i'm lost once again.. which way shld i go?
deardear.. i'm sorry.. i cldnt bring u the happiness tat u wana have..
but least i hope i cld b ther when u needed me.. mayb i wldnt b able to give gd advises but i wld b ther to hear u say.. i reali dun dare to tink wat wil we be in future.. but i wil try my very best.. we have to communicate but i'm afraid of quarrels.. i hav tink it over since i hav chosen u i shld reali restrain myself frm those unwanted disattractions..i wil learn to let go,plz give me time.. juz wana b with you..
04:46; secrets.
Y
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
11.28pm
haix.. tink i 've done the wrong thing again..ytd i quarrel wif him erm or shld i sae i vent my anger at him den end up we're on cold war the whole of ytd..he called me once using his hse fone but i didnt pick up den when i called him back he didnt ans..i msg him but no reply..i blasted his fone but again no response..after lots of dialling..wondering wat is he doing.. shld b aslp.. but no ans to it..wat to do? i dun lik it leh.. is by calling once shows tat u care?den whole of today again he only called me once but i dint ans..i was unhapi..but tats is his way of doing thing..aiyah i noe lah he wld surly say "i',m wrking leh,u wan me to cal u how many times? its gd tat i called when i knock off ok!"
coz tis is nt the 1st time le.. haix..always my fault..nt answering his call is always wrong..in his dictionary i'm always wrong.. in wateva things i do..mayb he's rite i'm always wrong..feeling moody n i went out wif buddy..end up he called me i didnt pick up.. coz i noe wil quarrel for sure coz i went out without his permission..end up rejecting his call til he msg me saying "ok fine! u wanna break rite? so be it!"den i quickly call back we quarrel as usual i'm wrong for nt answering yet he say i was trying to hide thing WTF!!! so angry.. in his eyes i'm juz a gal who lik to go out wif guys and do all kind of things wif them.. tis is wat he always tink of me.. tat reali upset me..buddy was telling me y mek urself so miserable?u noe going back to him all tis things wil always occurs y stil mek urself suffers?i reali duno wat shld i do.. i cldnt control his life but all tat he cld is to control my life..we're juz back 2gather for 2 weeks n problems have being popping out..i'm trying nt to restrict him off anitin but y he hav to restrist me in things tat i do?i alrdy told him i wil restrict myself from them. all along i nv had a lot of friends.when i'm feeling down who is there to hear me out? although they may nt b there always but i need juz a listening ear buddy is always there.. even late in the nights.. thru out my break up wif him n quarrels buddy was ther to guide me.. to me he'll always b my best buddy..i reali dun understand y he hated my friends so much?he sae i care abt my friends more den i care abt him..i duno wat shld i sae? but i noe whenever i'm down or hapi the 1st one tat i wld wana share is him.. but when i'm down i noe he wldnt b ther juz to hear me sae..so end up i turn to buddy..but by doing so wil only irritates him.. am i wrong again? enuf abt him.. toking abt work..i'm in deep shit! cld only start wrk on mon! and some more its oly 4 to 5days weekly..n majority is ay marina.. sumore aunty wans me to sign contract,if wana resign gota give 2 weeks notice..or else no pay..how?intially my plan was to join moomoo den get hold of some money so tat i cld balance up wif those days tat i'm nt wrking but now its lik die for sure.. tmr going for interview at levis.. c hw's the outcum..haix.. NO MONEY!!!!!!!!
23:23; secrets.
Y
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
10.40amya its juz tat early..and i'm being irritated by tat bf of mine!!!pissed off leh!!!duno am i being too unresonable or nuisance instead?but i'm angry mah!!!i trusted him..ok i'm trying to build back the trust again..but he wasnt being truthful to me mah..kaox!!! i reported almost everything abt who called me n watsoeva to him but he juz dun bother to tel me mah..i nv expect him to tel me everything lah,but at least abt her mah..he noe i'm sensitive abt her yet he stil chose nt to tel me coz he felt tat its nt important..ok fine den in future wateva of me i dun c a point into reporting to him..n he beta wash his hands off my things n i shall wash my hands off his too!!!wldnt tat b beta..shldnt he noe tat now is the time wherein we have to cooperate together so tat we can go far..nt lik last time animore.. hide tis hide tat,it wil only mek our relationship turn nasty..it wldnt helps mah,it wld only create misunderstanding..kaox! come to tink abt it i felt tat i'm being so silly..i tried to befriend wif her so tat at least i wun feel so uneasy in a sense tat she's oso my fren..so tat he can stil contact her i dun draw a line between them like before..n he wun felt so restricted mah.. although he have done alot of things tat upset me lik knowing girls thru irc n those chatrms,after all i stil forgive him.. although i cant reali forget abt it yet lah.. it takes time mah.. i stil allows him to use irc as long he noe wat is he doing n he wun do the same ting again i'm alrite.. he can chat but nth more den it lah..am i stil restricting him? i'm alrdy trying nt to mek him feel so stress up being wif me le..i'm reali trying my best..but today i burst off le.. sorie my dear,but i reali dun lik it mah.. i wan u to b honest wif me n i wil b honest wif u too.. cant we get thing done? i dun wan quarrel.. but today i blew my tops on u.. damn it! always lik tat his fault end up became my fault..juz now when i'm on my way walking hm suddenly tis thing came across my mind..i was tinking after all this rounds n turns we're stil together r we reali meant for each other or are we juz 2 stubborn heads trying to b together?ya last nite i overheard my mami told papa tat thers one fortunate teller who told her tat if one of daughter wil to get married n buy a car they wil earn some fortunate from the car.. lik arstrikce 4d when u buy its car plate number.. lolx..coz we did actualli intend to get married oh no its ROM onli during nxt yr or so if we're stable enough,hopefully by then he have alrdy started his businesse n brought a car if affordable..so the ans remain unknown.. mayb it cld b my sis..?deardear..
loving you is hard..
having to leave you is even harder..
but living without you is miserable...
10:38; secrets.
Y
Saturday, December 8, 2007
11.48pmdown here alone smoking and typing my blog..
its since a very long time i last wrote my blog...
haix.. alot of things have being happening..
where shld i start it..
ever since i ended my relationship with koon my feelings for him nv faded although we aint together animore.. i think of him during the day and the most unbearable part of the night..
having alot of sleepless nights..but he didnt noe how i felt all along..
thru out all the past 2mths of our break-up louis was there to guide me n console me..
till he went overseas but without fail he stil msg me n called me up sometime regardless of his expensive overseas call n messages..i noe he've being carrying a torch towards me for quite some time but during his overseas trip i get to know another guy thru friendster which is vincent..we did click when we chatted over the phone,till we went out n he confessed his feelings for me..i was shocked really shocked,everything happens too fast. i rejected him as i wasnt able to get over my previous relationship and moreover i'm afraid of being hurt again.. i'm reali nt ready for another relationship..never did i expected him to do such a thing as to walk into the sea to relax himself..i was real damn angry n pissed off,tats nt the way to show n prove ur feelings for a gal? it juz irriatted me! i asked him to come back he ignored me.but he still came onshore after awhile..he beg me to be with him..he told me he reali cant leave without me n all those bullshit of him.he told me to leave him alone to relax,i say fine if u reali wan me to i shall juz walk away.there he say ok! and from ther i juz turn my back n walk away,after walking a distance i turn my head to see him inside the sea again!!! WTF!!! UNLESS GUY!!! i carry on wif my walking heading towards his car den i heard heavy footsteps sound n loud panting from behind me..den he came to my front n knee down in front of east coast mac wherin thers so much ppl down ther staring at us!!! kaox!!! such a disgrace!! i was so damn angry!!!!!
i scolded him but he's such an shameless guy still dare to knee down in the middle of the road begging n crying wanting me to forgive him n give him a chance to love me?
WTF!!! at tat point of time i'm wondering is he real or juz insane?
*dun wana write le..
re-posted on 11th Dec 2007
23:34; secrets.
Y