11.06pm
i'm so confused.
friday morning i told him abt my decision.
i'm seriously so tired.
i dun wana lead my life crying and crying.. hoping tat one day he wil care.
its being 3yrs+. things hasnt been going changing for the better.
infact things get worse but what to do?
loving someone means u have to accept everything of tat person.
i love him i wana b with him. but ther's lots of things which i cant endure cant accept..
what should i do? i dun wan my relationship to b in a cycle.. on and on..
things that he had said keep running in my mind.
i dun wan him to b unhappy.. but when i'm with him i cant c his smile. cant hear his laughters.
but when he's with his frens i noe he's much more happier.
i dun wan him to do things that he doesnt wana do.
i dun wan him to force himself to change or to adapt to something he doesnt like..
i noe hw it feels.
when things happen i cant treat it like nth happen.
in the past we wld quarrel, i wil yell shout at him.. mek things difficult for him.. mek him promise me this n that.. ran away without saying anything. he wld b so anxious to cal n bomb my phone. running from places to places to look for me.
but as for nw, as time goes.. we drift apart.. we seldom quarrel. only i wld start the fight wif him. end up i wld b the one saying sorry..
till now.. no more quarrels.. no more conversations. we see each other once at night or once in the morning. watching him sleep i went for work.. watching me sleep he went out.. this is hw our life is.. we tok less den 10 sentences daily.. we dun call each other.. once in awhile we eat dinner together.. watching him go out hw i wish i could go but knowing that he wldnt b happy i should just keep quiet. ya i noe he wan his freedom.. and i should give him his freedom.
so much that i wanna know his whereabout but i noe i shldnt call him. knowing where is he wld only mek myself worried and uncomfortable. so better dun cal.
from he go out i wait for him to come hm till morning mek sure i saw him rch hm den can i slp peacefully.
but in his mind,he wldnt care.. its doesnt even bothers him at all.
i'm so tired..
serioulsy tired..
i dun wana carry on this meaningless relationship. where i noe we can get no where. i noe i dun stand a place in ur heart. i noe all of me doesnt matters u. when i told u i wana leave, u hold me back. but when i ask u y r u doing so u're unable to ans me. what does this mean? what am i to u? chances is given to each other so many times, did we really mek full use of it?
r we happy now? r we gonna b happy in future? y always wait til the moment when i leave then u wil treat me better? den when everything is peaceful the cycle wil carry on.. i dun wan this animore.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. we r both in the wrong.. our foundations was weak.. when small issue happens we didnt correct it on time. now tat big issue come, we r unable to stabilise ourselves. at least i know i'm once happy with u ,special moments n memories r kept sweetly in my heart. the rm in my heart wil always stil b urs.. lik what people says, till the day u get married ur life partner might nt be the one u truly love n wana be wif in ur heart. realitly is always cruel. rainbow comes after the rain. things is alway easier said den done.
deardear, after i'm gone do take gd care of urself. dun alway stay out til so late, its not gd to ur health. rest well,eat well.play well. time wil heal eveything. rem if u do need anything i wil b a phone call away. i wil try my best for u.i believe one day one gal wil touch ur heart, things will change.. history wil nv apppear. i hope tat u can stil treat me as ur frenz.. i stil hope to know hw have u been.