Saturday, May 23, 2009
7.42p
was i in the wrong again? i tried my best to compromise. again i failed.
he say i'm still so unreasonable. i didnt understand him. i make him so frustated.
can someone tell me what should i do? we had this agreement but we aint able to make it.
all i want is just time with him. is it so hard? i know he's bothered over his businesse issue. but cant he spare a thought for me? he went out ytd night.. all the way till morning.. and in the morning he told he need to accompany sz together with his sis to try wedding gowns. he did ask me to go but y am i unhappy? i dumo what should i do.. from every week i can spend time with him for that 2 days till now i have got no time with him. no more agreement. no more of his companion. now i can only keep quiet do my own time. whenever he's free then he will look for me. i told him this myself. i dun wanna force him into meeting me. if meeting me is really such an unhappy thing for him. i rather he wouldnt..
as for now i dun dare to pin any hope on him. i shall just keep myself occupied dun tink of him. i wish i can put him behind me. let the feelings fade slowly. i think this will be the best way.
was i in the wrong again? i tried my best to compromise. again i failed.
he say i'm still so unreasonable. i didnt understand him. i make him so frustated.
can someone tell me what should i do? we had this agreement but we aint able to make it.
all i want is just time with him. is it so hard? i know he's bothered over his businesse issue. but cant he spare a thought for me? he went out ytd night.. all the way till morning.. and in the morning he told he need to accompany sz together with his sis to try wedding gowns. he did ask me to go but y am i unhappy? i dumo what should i do.. from every week i can spend time with him for that 2 days till now i have got no time with him. no more agreement. no more of his companion. now i can only keep quiet do my own time. whenever he's free then he will look for me. i told him this myself. i dun wanna force him into meeting me. if meeting me is really such an unhappy thing for him. i rather he wouldnt..
as for now i dun dare to pin any hope on him. i shall just keep myself occupied dun tink of him. i wish i can put him behind me. let the feelings fade slowly. i think this will be the best way.
19:42; secrets.
Y
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2.40am
hehehehehehehehehehe... so happy!!!!
finally we are back together again..
this time round, we will learn to compromise each other.
not gonna be like last time.
here's our agreement.
-MOnday, tuesday, wednesday i will be at my own house.
- Thursday, friday, saturday and sunday i will be at his house.
-During mon to wed if mama gt cook den i will go home and eat and at the same i can see BBBB!!
and he's allow to have his own free time, playing cs fishing hanging out with friends but then subject to approval. hehe.. but he need to inform me whenever he's going out or wat lah. but i must go home after that. NO CHEATING ARH!!! hehe i no myself later i will please here and there. BUT IF i wana work this relationship out i must learn to b independent canot rely and allow stick to him so much. MUST UNDERSTAND AND DO THIS THING WELL!! ok get it!!
-and thurs to sun will be my time with him, BUT I CAN NEVER TAKE FORGRANTED!! have to be understanding too, but he promise me will have dinner with me everyday. unless circumstances doesnt allow. and he will learn to use nicer words and tok to me nicely. lesser harsh words.
-den during those day that i shld be at home i can go home and c BBBB but have to go home myself. hehe but tmr he say can stay longer den he sent me home after that.
-if in between he have got his things to do must tell me in advance, dun let wait lik an idiot. like works or going out.
-I WILL LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT AND NOT TO RELY ON HIM. NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!! TRUST HIM HAVE FAITH IN HIM BELIEVE HIM, HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF TOO!!! U CAN DO IT!!!! LEARN TO COMPROMISE MIT UP HALF WAY GIVE AND TAKE!! REM TREAT EACH OTHER TRULY DEEP DOWN FROM THE HEART, NO QUARREL TOK THINGS OUT.
I seriously hope that this time round we can work things out, not gonna be like last time. this time will change!!!! and we can do it!!! hehe.. all the way to teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng!!! HURRAY!!!
hehehehehehehehehehe... so happy!!!!
finally we are back together again..
this time round, we will learn to compromise each other.
not gonna be like last time.
here's our agreement.
-MOnday, tuesday, wednesday i will be at my own house.
- Thursday, friday, saturday and sunday i will be at his house.
-During mon to wed if mama gt cook den i will go home and eat and at the same i can see BBBB!!
and he's allow to have his own free time, playing cs fishing hanging out with friends but then subject to approval. hehe.. but he need to inform me whenever he's going out or wat lah. but i must go home after that. NO CHEATING ARH!!! hehe i no myself later i will please here and there. BUT IF i wana work this relationship out i must learn to b independent canot rely and allow stick to him so much. MUST UNDERSTAND AND DO THIS THING WELL!! ok get it!!
-and thurs to sun will be my time with him, BUT I CAN NEVER TAKE FORGRANTED!! have to be understanding too, but he promise me will have dinner with me everyday. unless circumstances doesnt allow. and he will learn to use nicer words and tok to me nicely. lesser harsh words.
-den during those day that i shld be at home i can go home and c BBBB but have to go home myself. hehe but tmr he say can stay longer den he sent me home after that.
-if in between he have got his things to do must tell me in advance, dun let wait lik an idiot. like works or going out.
-I WILL LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT AND NOT TO RELY ON HIM. NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!! TRUST HIM HAVE FAITH IN HIM BELIEVE HIM, HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF TOO!!! U CAN DO IT!!!! LEARN TO COMPROMISE MIT UP HALF WAY GIVE AND TAKE!! REM TREAT EACH OTHER TRULY DEEP DOWN FROM THE HEART, NO QUARREL TOK THINGS OUT.
I seriously hope that this time round we can work things out, not gonna be like last time. this time will change!!!! and we can do it!!! hehe.. all the way to teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng teng!!! HURRAY!!!
02:40; secrets.
Y
Sunday, April 26, 2009
4.33am
i seriously duno what should i do.. i'm so tired of his hack care and cant be bothered.
i felt that i'm so useless i cant make him love me any more.
i no longer hold a place in his heart. maybe i should really let go.
he has already given me an answer. till now all he cares was his friends not me.
he dun like me to ask:
what time he coming back?
where u going?
can u dont go out and accompany me?
can u reach home by this timing?
all i do was wrong. nothing in his eyes that i do was right.
all i can is listen to him. never will he care for my feelings.
i seriously duno what should i do.. i'm so tired of his hack care and cant be bothered.
i felt that i'm so useless i cant make him love me any more.
i no longer hold a place in his heart. maybe i should really let go.
he has already given me an answer. till now all he cares was his friends not me.
he dun like me to ask:
what time he coming back?
where u going?
can u dont go out and accompany me?
can u reach home by this timing?
all i do was wrong. nothing in his eyes that i do was right.
all i can is listen to him. never will he care for my feelings.
04:32; secrets.
Y
Saturday, April 18, 2009
1.00am
yet another lonely night out here typing my blog.
i seriously dont know what i'm doing was it right or wrong?
loving someone is to see him happy, am i doing it for him?
its a friday night , finally i dont have to turn up for work tmr again.
such an tiring week ,neverlessly we could hit our daily target easily.
finally off but wasnt feeling well today. my big aunty came visited me yesterday, making me in pain for the whole day. aiyah then slight fever in the afternoon but had recovered.
thought i could spend my night with him but he didnt has the same idea as me.
i thought maybe we can still go over to sz hse watch him play cs while i watch my drama too, but haix.. he chose fishing.
i know he like fishing, and i allow him to go i wan him to be happy. but y is it that he cant mit me half way? he know how to say i go fishing then u wil b alone at home leh, u will be bored leh.. and i will go till morning leh. den i say ok u go loh. den since then y cant u say okok i go but i will be home early i dun go till morning k? i ask him is it that u must fish till morning can be home before morning. he told me but 4-6am is the best fishing time. i say den u go at 3+ loh. he say but must prepared everything mah. den i say ok nvm loh.. den again i ask again must u really go till morning? his face turn black and said to me if u dun wan me to go den u tel me or wat time wan me to b home den u tel me loh. den i say nvm lah nth lah u go loh.. am i in the wrong again?
everyday whenever i finish my work i really hope to reach hm faster to see him, everytime i see him i reali wish that i can hug him but knowing that he would push me away i draw myself away from him. to see him everyday hug him have my dinner with him everyday is still the best rewards that i can have after every tiring day of work. but i know it only lies on me not to him. what more can i wish for? althoughi have to do all those chores myself but at least i can have my dinner with him. but really contented there's time he does help me in it too, if that happens it would b a sweet dinner for me.. but sometime the clumsiness of me would pop up end up making him angry. again he would scold me y cant always get thing right? just a simple thing and u're always messing things up. like dropping of spoon, forget to take someting, spill the drink or food, drop anything or the food on my plate end up letting benben baby eating it. i tink the sight of seeing me irritates him alot.
everytime i saw couples whenever i'm working, i'm so envious of them.. i saw their bf hugging them.. sayang them buying things for them,helping them carrying things. i saw old couples bringing their childs out shouting laughing quarrelling.. but after everything they still hold each other hands and walk off.. father carrying the baby with 1 arm and holding on his wife hands with another arms. even elderly couples holding hands together buying grocessies together. i can only watch them from far envious them. day dreaming on my own, would i ever have this day?
yet another lonely night out here typing my blog.
i seriously dont know what i'm doing was it right or wrong?
loving someone is to see him happy, am i doing it for him?
its a friday night , finally i dont have to turn up for work tmr again.
such an tiring week ,neverlessly we could hit our daily target easily.
finally off but wasnt feeling well today. my big aunty came visited me yesterday, making me in pain for the whole day. aiyah then slight fever in the afternoon but had recovered.
thought i could spend my night with him but he didnt has the same idea as me.
i thought maybe we can still go over to sz hse watch him play cs while i watch my drama too, but haix.. he chose fishing.
i know he like fishing, and i allow him to go i wan him to be happy. but y is it that he cant mit me half way? he know how to say i go fishing then u wil b alone at home leh, u will be bored leh.. and i will go till morning leh. den i say ok u go loh. den since then y cant u say okok i go but i will be home early i dun go till morning k? i ask him is it that u must fish till morning can be home before morning. he told me but 4-6am is the best fishing time. i say den u go at 3+ loh. he say but must prepared everything mah. den i say ok nvm loh.. den again i ask again must u really go till morning? his face turn black and said to me if u dun wan me to go den u tel me or wat time wan me to b home den u tel me loh. den i say nvm lah nth lah u go loh.. am i in the wrong again?
everyday whenever i finish my work i really hope to reach hm faster to see him, everytime i see him i reali wish that i can hug him but knowing that he would push me away i draw myself away from him. to see him everyday hug him have my dinner with him everyday is still the best rewards that i can have after every tiring day of work. but i know it only lies on me not to him. what more can i wish for? althoughi have to do all those chores myself but at least i can have my dinner with him. but really contented there's time he does help me in it too, if that happens it would b a sweet dinner for me.. but sometime the clumsiness of me would pop up end up making him angry. again he would scold me y cant always get thing right? just a simple thing and u're always messing things up. like dropping of spoon, forget to take someting, spill the drink or food, drop anything or the food on my plate end up letting benben baby eating it. i tink the sight of seeing me irritates him alot.
everytime i saw couples whenever i'm working, i'm so envious of them.. i saw their bf hugging them.. sayang them buying things for them,helping them carrying things. i saw old couples bringing their childs out shouting laughing quarrelling.. but after everything they still hold each other hands and walk off.. father carrying the baby with 1 arm and holding on his wife hands with another arms. even elderly couples holding hands together buying grocessies together. i can only watch them from far envious them. day dreaming on my own, would i ever have this day?
my dear, i really dont know what more should i do to make you love me? knowing that u really care for me, care for how i feel? am i just a passer by, u already know that i cant be the one ther's nothing more i can do to change you? coz the feeling you had for me had already fade but just holding on to me coz someone better hasnt appear? u told me that u're hoping to see that my attitude will change, but never did u felt that i have. coz all the things i do meant nothing to u.. it doesnt matters anymore. do u know that? u're finding excuses for yourself, i know you dont wana commit urself. but could u at least be fair to me? since u know i cant or wont b one y dont you just tell me and make things clear to me? y make things and life so miserable for me? u told me its not a matter of who she is, is u urself. if i wil to ask u this question, 5yrs or 10yrs from now u have everything, all that u wan car money career condo and everything u wish for. would u marry me ? deep now in ur mind do u really wanna be with me? do u wanna hold my hands till the day we die? most importantly r u happy i'm u r with me? will u forsake everything for me? i know the answer myself , although i always say i wana end this relationship but i always regretted after saying. even after we parted i get with other guys no one can replaced u. never did i like anione of them i just wana use them to get over u.. they may have all the materialistic things but all i wan is u. u can have nothing we eat bread, we share our 1 packet of rice,we take bus we take train we go windows shopping just lik in the past but at least we can b happy. though at times ther's thing bothering u as well. but we overcum things together. now we dont share things together that much, u dont tel me whats bothering u. everytime i tok seems to irritates u. making our conversation sound so deadly and boring.. is this what couples r like?
00:59; secrets.
Y
Thursday, April 2, 2009
11.00pm
i'm so confused.
all i know is seem so near but yet so far.
its like although we r living together but we dont know what's on each other mind.
so tired of the guessing game. so tired when you know you wont be the one.
so tired of holding to something which you dont know is the thing really for u? is he really into u? or just all out of rely?
i use to think letting go is the best choice to end all this pains and agony. but things is always easier said den done. i have come to a conclusion myself but i dont know how should i break the news to him. i wan him to know i'm nt just a girl who only know how to throw tantrums and nothing but just attitude. i wan him to know i'm a girl worth him to rely on for life, a girl whom he can get married with lead his life with. not the way what he've been thinking of me "COZ U GOT ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!, ALL U KNOW IS TO SHOW ATTITUDE!!!"
i know i'm imperfection, but who doesnt?
i will prove him wrong. even it's not him, i shall change myself for the better.
he told me is not a matter who is he with now, is not a matter whoever she is. is a matter that he himself dun wan get married at this age. he wanna wait till he have stablize his career his fiancial his relationship. i dont know how long can i wait, i dont know will he still need me by his side. i give myself till 17th sep 2010, through out this 1yr+ i hope we can each fight for what we can do. hopefully we can work thing out this time round, hopefully by nxt yr we should have an asnwer to ourselves..
deep down i know it myself i'm not the girl for him.. i know i'm throwing myself at him. i know he can just ditch me off anytime. but i just cant stop myself from loving him. after all this years, i still yearn for his love. but i know i dont hold a place in his heart. truth hurts but lies hurt even more.
my 21st birthday is the most heart breaking day through out all my birthday. i know i'm at fault who causes all this but after everything y is it that i'm stil unable to eat the cake that he brought for me? everyday i have been wishing to see a cake, a cake that he specially brought for me.. i dun mind if its small i dun mind if its not nice i dun mind if its just a small slice of cake.. all i wan is he brought the cake just for me specially for me. everytime we quarrel i mention it to him , evertime he promise me but it all ended in false hopes.. it hurts me most whenever this comes in mind.
i'm so confused.
all i know is seem so near but yet so far.
its like although we r living together but we dont know what's on each other mind.
so tired of the guessing game. so tired when you know you wont be the one.
so tired of holding to something which you dont know is the thing really for u? is he really into u? or just all out of rely?
i use to think letting go is the best choice to end all this pains and agony. but things is always easier said den done. i have come to a conclusion myself but i dont know how should i break the news to him. i wan him to know i'm nt just a girl who only know how to throw tantrums and nothing but just attitude. i wan him to know i'm a girl worth him to rely on for life, a girl whom he can get married with lead his life with. not the way what he've been thinking of me "COZ U GOT ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!, ALL U KNOW IS TO SHOW ATTITUDE!!!"
i know i'm imperfection, but who doesnt?
i will prove him wrong. even it's not him, i shall change myself for the better.
he told me is not a matter who is he with now, is not a matter whoever she is. is a matter that he himself dun wan get married at this age. he wanna wait till he have stablize his career his fiancial his relationship. i dont know how long can i wait, i dont know will he still need me by his side. i give myself till 17th sep 2010, through out this 1yr+ i hope we can each fight for what we can do. hopefully we can work thing out this time round, hopefully by nxt yr we should have an asnwer to ourselves..
deep down i know it myself i'm not the girl for him.. i know i'm throwing myself at him. i know he can just ditch me off anytime. but i just cant stop myself from loving him. after all this years, i still yearn for his love. but i know i dont hold a place in his heart. truth hurts but lies hurt even more.
my 21st birthday is the most heart breaking day through out all my birthday. i know i'm at fault who causes all this but after everything y is it that i'm stil unable to eat the cake that he brought for me? everyday i have been wishing to see a cake, a cake that he specially brought for me.. i dun mind if its small i dun mind if its not nice i dun mind if its just a small slice of cake.. all i wan is he brought the cake just for me specially for me. everytime we quarrel i mention it to him , evertime he promise me but it all ended in false hopes.. it hurts me most whenever this comes in mind.
22:59; secrets.
Y
Sunday, January 4, 2009
DEARDEAR~
HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY!!!
I hope you like the present that i brought for you..
I know you dont know the cake, but birthday without a cake is not so appropriate mah..
I call shengzhi and ask him de, he told me to buy too..
I hope that you have had a pleasant and happy birthday.. sorie lah spoilt ur mood coz of the cd player,i reali dun did it intentionlly.
think u had enjoy ur christmas n new year as well ba coz both occasions i'm not there.
23:58; secrets.
Y
11.06pm
i'm so confused.
friday morning i told him abt my decision.
i'm seriously so tired.
i dun wana lead my life crying and crying.. hoping tat one day he wil care.
its being 3yrs+. things hasnt been going changing for the better.
infact things get worse but what to do?
loving someone means u have to accept everything of tat person.
i love him i wana b with him. but ther's lots of things which i cant endure cant accept..
what should i do? i dun wan my relationship to b in a cycle.. on and on..
things that he had said keep running in my mind.
i dun wan him to b unhappy.. but when i'm with him i cant c his smile. cant hear his laughters.
but when he's with his frens i noe he's much more happier.
i dun wan him to do things that he doesnt wana do.
i dun wan him to force himself to change or to adapt to something he doesnt like..
i noe hw it feels.
when things happen i cant treat it like nth happen.
in the past we wld quarrel, i wil yell shout at him.. mek things difficult for him.. mek him promise me this n that.. ran away without saying anything. he wld b so anxious to cal n bomb my phone. running from places to places to look for me.
but as for nw, as time goes.. we drift apart.. we seldom quarrel. only i wld start the fight wif him. end up i wld b the one saying sorry..
till now.. no more quarrels.. no more conversations. we see each other once at night or once in the morning. watching him sleep i went for work.. watching me sleep he went out.. this is hw our life is.. we tok less den 10 sentences daily.. we dun call each other.. once in awhile we eat dinner together.. watching him go out hw i wish i could go but knowing that he wldnt b happy i should just keep quiet. ya i noe he wan his freedom.. and i should give him his freedom.
so much that i wanna know his whereabout but i noe i shldnt call him. knowing where is he wld only mek myself worried and uncomfortable. so better dun cal.
from he go out i wait for him to come hm till morning mek sure i saw him rch hm den can i slp peacefully.
but in his mind,he wldnt care.. its doesnt even bothers him at all.
i'm so tired..
serioulsy tired..
i dun wana carry on this meaningless relationship. where i noe we can get no where. i noe i dun stand a place in ur heart. i noe all of me doesnt matters u. when i told u i wana leave, u hold me back. but when i ask u y r u doing so u're unable to ans me. what does this mean? what am i to u? chances is given to each other so many times, did we really mek full use of it?
r we happy now? r we gonna b happy in future? y always wait til the moment when i leave then u wil treat me better? den when everything is peaceful the cycle wil carry on.. i dun wan this animore.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. we r both in the wrong.. our foundations was weak.. when small issue happens we didnt correct it on time. now tat big issue come, we r unable to stabilise ourselves. at least i know i'm once happy with u ,special moments n memories r kept sweetly in my heart. the rm in my heart wil always stil b urs.. lik what people says, till the day u get married ur life partner might nt be the one u truly love n wana be wif in ur heart. realitly is always cruel. rainbow comes after the rain. things is alway easier said den done.
deardear, after i'm gone do take gd care of urself. dun alway stay out til so late, its not gd to ur health. rest well,eat well.play well. time wil heal eveything.
rem if u do need anything i wil b a phone call away. i wil try my best for u.
i believe one day one gal wil touch ur heart, things will change.. history wil nv apppear.
i hope tat u can stil treat me as ur frenz.. i stil hope to know hw have u been.
i'm so confused.
friday morning i told him abt my decision.
i'm seriously so tired.
i dun wana lead my life crying and crying.. hoping tat one day he wil care.
its being 3yrs+. things hasnt been going changing for the better.
infact things get worse but what to do?
loving someone means u have to accept everything of tat person.
i love him i wana b with him. but ther's lots of things which i cant endure cant accept..
what should i do? i dun wan my relationship to b in a cycle.. on and on..
things that he had said keep running in my mind.
i dun wan him to b unhappy.. but when i'm with him i cant c his smile. cant hear his laughters.
but when he's with his frens i noe he's much more happier.
i dun wan him to do things that he doesnt wana do.
i dun wan him to force himself to change or to adapt to something he doesnt like..
i noe hw it feels.
when things happen i cant treat it like nth happen.
in the past we wld quarrel, i wil yell shout at him.. mek things difficult for him.. mek him promise me this n that.. ran away without saying anything. he wld b so anxious to cal n bomb my phone. running from places to places to look for me.
but as for nw, as time goes.. we drift apart.. we seldom quarrel. only i wld start the fight wif him. end up i wld b the one saying sorry..
till now.. no more quarrels.. no more conversations. we see each other once at night or once in the morning. watching him sleep i went for work.. watching me sleep he went out.. this is hw our life is.. we tok less den 10 sentences daily.. we dun call each other.. once in awhile we eat dinner together.. watching him go out hw i wish i could go but knowing that he wldnt b happy i should just keep quiet. ya i noe he wan his freedom.. and i should give him his freedom.
so much that i wanna know his whereabout but i noe i shldnt call him. knowing where is he wld only mek myself worried and uncomfortable. so better dun cal.
from he go out i wait for him to come hm till morning mek sure i saw him rch hm den can i slp peacefully.
but in his mind,he wldnt care.. its doesnt even bothers him at all.
i'm so tired..
serioulsy tired..
i dun wana carry on this meaningless relationship. where i noe we can get no where. i noe i dun stand a place in ur heart. i noe all of me doesnt matters u. when i told u i wana leave, u hold me back. but when i ask u y r u doing so u're unable to ans me. what does this mean? what am i to u? chances is given to each other so many times, did we really mek full use of it?
r we happy now? r we gonna b happy in future? y always wait til the moment when i leave then u wil treat me better? den when everything is peaceful the cycle wil carry on.. i dun wan this animore.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. we r both in the wrong.. our foundations was weak.. when small issue happens we didnt correct it on time. now tat big issue come, we r unable to stabilise ourselves. at least i know i'm once happy with u ,special moments n memories r kept sweetly in my heart. the rm in my heart wil always stil b urs.. lik what people says, till the day u get married ur life partner might nt be the one u truly love n wana be wif in ur heart. realitly is always cruel. rainbow comes after the rain. things is alway easier said den done.
deardear, after i'm gone do take gd care of urself. dun alway stay out til so late, its not gd to ur health. rest well,eat well.play well. time wil heal eveything.
rem if u do need anything i wil b a phone call away. i wil try my best for u.
i believe one day one gal wil touch ur heart, things will change.. history wil nv apppear.
i hope tat u can stil treat me as ur frenz.. i stil hope to know hw have u been.
23:06; secrets.
Y
Saturday, December 20, 2008
2.08am
its a boring friday nite..
i'm alone in this rm..
he's out wif his frenz again..
me: deardear, will u b miting me 2nite?
him: dun tink so,got car to send at 11+, but i wil b hm awhile to shit.
me: den u sending the car le den go hm n shit huh? den u going out after tat?
him: i going hm shit b4 10pmden afta tat go out again. i 2nite properly no car coz oli lef fit den ber no car.
me: okok.. den u wil b with them for the whole nite?
him: nt veri sure. u gt any plan wif amy?
me: no i dun have any plan wif her,i nv contact anione. u wana have ur own time mah?
him: ermz.. i tink so..
me: okok.. but at least let me noe whr u going k?
him: after 11pm den i c gt go whr den i let u noe k?
me: okok .. u take care sayang~
him: ya, u take care too..
11+pm
him: we go Dzess..
me: okok..dun drink so much.. take care,anything msg me.. k?
him: kkz..
is tis wat couples is like?
i forcing myself to endure..
i reali wish tat he can reali tel me whats on his mind..
he once told me, he got no intentions of getting married wif me.. he's just leading a day as its goes with me..
i noe i cldnt blame him.. coz i'm the cause of it..
he felt insecured being wif me..
he duno when will i say those things to hurt him.. make him angry..
saying things tat i always nv think of the consequences..
i blame myself.. y cant i control my emotions better.. y cant i control my temper n anger better?
this way wil he love me more?
will he care n concern abt me more?
what shld i do?
my mind is in a whril.. i wan him to b happy..
but being together with me will it bring him happiness?
is he happy wif me? what does he wans?
what can i give him? what can i do for him?
what does he wants from me?
deardear, i miss you everyday every minutes and every second..
even when u're just next to me.. u seem near but yet so far..
i can't see the smile the laughters u have when u're with your friends then with me..
i can't find the right conversation to start with you.. i'm so afraid of doing the wrong things at the wrong time.. i'm so afraid of saying the wrong things to provoke you.. which i hope i can take it back.
i wish i can do the right things to please you.. not the wrong things that irritates u..
i'm sorry.. things happen so suddenly,i realli dont mean it..
u can yell at me,u can scold me.. but please dun ignore me.. please dun give me the cold shoulder.. i really couldnt take it.. the moment u ignoring me.. the moment u say u're busy.. the moment where i can feel tat u dun wana c my pressence,dun wana hear my voice.. the times i know tat u're avoiding me.. wanna have time on ur own.. i noe u're tired.. having to avoid me making urself so tired to come back hm so late at nite.. i apologized..
sorry to have u so shag out.. i will learn to let go.. not bothering you animore..
i sincerely just wanna c that u're happy.. i wanna make you happy.. i dun wish to add any agony to ur life animore..
i wanna c ur face with smile hear ur voive with laughters..
i tink this is the best i can do for u and myself.. at the same time i'm putting the pain that i'm having to the least.
do take care.. sayang~
love & miss u deeply..
its a boring friday nite..
i'm alone in this rm..
he's out wif his frenz again..
me: deardear, will u b miting me 2nite?
him: dun tink so,got car to send at 11+, but i wil b hm awhile to shit.
me: den u sending the car le den go hm n shit huh? den u going out after tat?
him: i going hm shit b4 10pmden afta tat go out again. i 2nite properly no car coz oli lef fit den ber no car.
me: okok.. den u wil b with them for the whole nite?
him: nt veri sure. u gt any plan wif amy?
me: no i dun have any plan wif her,i nv contact anione. u wana have ur own time mah?
him: ermz.. i tink so..
me: okok.. but at least let me noe whr u going k?
him: after 11pm den i c gt go whr den i let u noe k?
me: okok .. u take care sayang~
him: ya, u take care too..
11+pm
him: we go Dzess..
me: okok..dun drink so much.. take care,anything msg me.. k?
him: kkz..
is tis wat couples is like?
i forcing myself to endure..
i reali wish tat he can reali tel me whats on his mind..
he once told me, he got no intentions of getting married wif me.. he's just leading a day as its goes with me..
i noe i cldnt blame him.. coz i'm the cause of it..
he felt insecured being wif me..
he duno when will i say those things to hurt him.. make him angry..
saying things tat i always nv think of the consequences..
i blame myself.. y cant i control my emotions better.. y cant i control my temper n anger better?
this way wil he love me more?
will he care n concern abt me more?
what shld i do?
my mind is in a whril.. i wan him to b happy..
but being together with me will it bring him happiness?
is he happy wif me? what does he wans?
what can i give him? what can i do for him?
what does he wants from me?
deardear, i miss you everyday every minutes and every second..
even when u're just next to me.. u seem near but yet so far..
i can't see the smile the laughters u have when u're with your friends then with me..
i can't find the right conversation to start with you.. i'm so afraid of doing the wrong things at the wrong time.. i'm so afraid of saying the wrong things to provoke you.. which i hope i can take it back.
i wish i can do the right things to please you.. not the wrong things that irritates u..
i'm sorry.. things happen so suddenly,i realli dont mean it..
u can yell at me,u can scold me.. but please dun ignore me.. please dun give me the cold shoulder.. i really couldnt take it.. the moment u ignoring me.. the moment u say u're busy.. the moment where i can feel tat u dun wana c my pressence,dun wana hear my voice.. the times i know tat u're avoiding me.. wanna have time on ur own.. i noe u're tired.. having to avoid me making urself so tired to come back hm so late at nite.. i apologized..
sorry to have u so shag out.. i will learn to let go.. not bothering you animore..
i sincerely just wanna c that u're happy.. i wanna make you happy.. i dun wish to add any agony to ur life animore..
i wanna c ur face with smile hear ur voive with laughters..
i tink this is the best i can do for u and myself.. at the same time i'm putting the pain that i'm having to the least.
do take care.. sayang~
love & miss u deeply..
02:07; secrets.
Y
Thursday, March 20, 2008
1.03am
Its since a so long long time i last wrote my blog..
tonite is a lonely night.. or mayb almost everynight is a lonely night..
i'm feeling so down but yet what i can do is to pretend and act as if everything alrite..
the one i long him to hear me say,listen to me cldnt b there for me..
sometime i reali miss those early days of us loitering from blocks to blocks.. i cld stil rem the 1 st time tat he hold my hand,at tat point of time i felt i'm so small.. cldnt believe he's holding my hand..bt the sweet feeling is always been remembered. time files,i hav alrdy known him for coming 7yrs.. n we have been together for 2yrs 6 mths 2 days.. or actualli shld b 5 days instead.. i seriously miss those days when i cld hear him say deardear,i love u.. so nice to hug u in my arms.. to have him hugging me when we're going to sleep,having him to go round n round searching for me.. having him to blast n blast my phone til i pick up.. having to kiss me everyday when he goes to work..the 1st ring that he brought for me.. brought me porridge when i'm sick.. the guy whom once love pom pom with me bt now the guy whom dont wish to touch me.. sometime i reali felt tat i'm so useless.. although we're living together everything seems fine.. he nv quarrel wif me its only i'm the one who is always tyring to pick a fight wif him.. he hav neglected me without him noticing it himself.. everyday is like a daily routine,back hm for dinner den watch tv den go to slp.. everytime i wish to hug him or kiss him i wld have to ask for his permission,or he wld juz push me away n say no.. i noe to him its nth,as he wldnt get hurt.. bt deep down in me he doesnt noe tat he's hurting me everynow n then.. we cld nv pom pom for mths like coming 4mths.. til ard 1 mth ago was our last time.. n that was lik in the morning when he's awake then he come straight to it.. i dint not retaliate,bt i was sad... was i being too sensitive or?? i wldnt wana think tat way..tat i'm juz someone there for him to come n go as he like.. i noe he's tired,he's stress out with his work.. i'm tyring to b more understaning but he reali neglect my feelings..i dun ask for much i juz wan someone who reali love me n reali wans me to b there for him as he reali need me coz he love me nt to help him do his things or juz to serve him.. sometime i reali felt tat i'm so cheap ,keep thinking tat my guy wld make love with me.. bt he didnt was it he dun love me animore or what the reason behind it? i keep telling myself he's tired n tat y so..bt his actions reali upset me.. last time he wld share doing hse chores wif me bt now all tat he do was to throw everything to me.. i cld oly say he's tired,n i have to b understanding.. juz keep my mouth shut.. i heard story,seeing couples breaking up after being together for yrs.. but y? they say "ying liao jie er fen le".. i'm so afraid,i reali dun wan tis to happen to my relationship.. i'm reali happy to b with him,i'm so much apprechiated to have him.. though i tends to complain mek noise but deep down i noe i reali did love him alot.. i reali dun wish to lose him.. we reali been thru alot,after all things i reali hope he wld cherish our relationship.. can we pplz dun let each other down again,hold each other firmly.. dun hurt each other,love each other pamper each other.. b there for each other..
cld stil rem his 2008 valentine present,he brough me to goldheart at j8 to let me chose something which i like.. although i like the celestial pendant more but the amount is too much so i chosen another which price is lower a normal pendant but i'm reali happi n contented le.. as the meaning behind is enuf.. coz its reali sweet of him.. but at tat point of time i cldnt buy him something tat he like as i'm broke reali broke..end up brought him a jean but haha til now he haven wear yet.. coz haven alter.. intially i wana make him a spec but "you xin wu li" coz reali broke,as i saw one frame in ep was lik so nice man.. he sure look damn handsome wif it on wan loh.. deardear,love u so much.. but i stil cldnt buy it for him..
tat time he was angry wif me as i keep changing of jobs..
i noe i was at fault.. n i noe i'm silly too..
bt reali i stil cldnt let go of those stupid things which is holding me back till now..
they r bugging me..i juz cldnt stop thinking at times.. it juz drive me carzy.. images keep popping out.. reali going crazy..but no one understand,ppl wld only say tat i tink too much.. juz like he do.. he even said i shld go c a doc,i'm mentally unstable.. ya indeed i tink i am.. thers time i reali cldnt control myself.. sometime felt tat we r drifting apart.. we hav got less time togother.. what we hav is only dinner time,tv time .. bt slowly i hav come to realize having to eat dinner togther is alrdy beri gd le,sometime he dun even hav time to have dinner wif me.. at least he did mek a effort can le lah.. as for washing dishes,ok he's tired.. no choice but to accept.. what more cld i expect? at least he's stil with me.. dun do the same thing again..please!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometime reali think tat although we dun hav much money in the past but we stil lead a hapi life with all those ups n downs quarrel n break ups.. last time he cld stil showered me with love n kisses now i seriously duno.. what can i say? i cant say anithing.. we wld only end up quarreling.. n tat is what he hates most of me.. attitude,throwing tempers n MIA.. but now mia he oso cant b bothered le.. he's juz too sick n tired of me.. n tat is y,lik he say i causes this.. or cld i say he alrdy cant b bothered abt coz the feelings he hav for me hav fade.. its so long so long coming 6mths we nv kiss kiss le.. cld only kiss him when he's aslp.. hug him when he's alsp.. or times to ask his permission or when he wans me to dosomething den i wld wan motivations.. tats all.. no french kiss for so long.. i reali miss the passionate kiss.. tink he reali dislike me,i reali duno wat to do mek him fall for me again.. i dun wan him to treat me as some responsiblities or juz a gf.. i wan him to love me..
deardear,
i miss ur passionate kisses,ur warmth hug n to cuddle in ur arms..
i miss the sweet times we have ,the foreplay the climates the excitements.. eveything seems so black n white.. colourless.. u noe hw am i feeling? i'm have been learning to be more understanding,do u notice the changes in me? i work hard dont idle animore.. try not to think too much,accept things that comes in the way.. respecting you understand you helps you in things i could help,i hope i didnt make things into a mess for you.. i jz wana lighten your loads.. bright your rainy days,brush off your tired days and gives you a happy sunshine day.. loving you is hard but having to leave you is even harder.. living without you is miserable..
my dear, mayb one day you wouldnt need me anymore.. but if there's one day you really needs me tell me,i will run back and be there for you..
Its since a so long long time i last wrote my blog..
tonite is a lonely night.. or mayb almost everynight is a lonely night..
i'm feeling so down but yet what i can do is to pretend and act as if everything alrite..
the one i long him to hear me say,listen to me cldnt b there for me..
sometime i reali miss those early days of us loitering from blocks to blocks.. i cld stil rem the 1 st time tat he hold my hand,at tat point of time i felt i'm so small.. cldnt believe he's holding my hand..bt the sweet feeling is always been remembered. time files,i hav alrdy known him for coming 7yrs.. n we have been together for 2yrs 6 mths 2 days.. or actualli shld b 5 days instead.. i seriously miss those days when i cld hear him say deardear,i love u.. so nice to hug u in my arms.. to have him hugging me when we're going to sleep,having him to go round n round searching for me.. having him to blast n blast my phone til i pick up.. having to kiss me everyday when he goes to work..the 1st ring that he brought for me.. brought me porridge when i'm sick.. the guy whom once love pom pom with me bt now the guy whom dont wish to touch me.. sometime i reali felt tat i'm so useless.. although we're living together everything seems fine.. he nv quarrel wif me its only i'm the one who is always tyring to pick a fight wif him.. he hav neglected me without him noticing it himself.. everyday is like a daily routine,back hm for dinner den watch tv den go to slp.. everytime i wish to hug him or kiss him i wld have to ask for his permission,or he wld juz push me away n say no.. i noe to him its nth,as he wldnt get hurt.. bt deep down in me he doesnt noe tat he's hurting me everynow n then.. we cld nv pom pom for mths like coming 4mths.. til ard 1 mth ago was our last time.. n that was lik in the morning when he's awake then he come straight to it.. i dint not retaliate,bt i was sad... was i being too sensitive or?? i wldnt wana think tat way..tat i'm juz someone there for him to come n go as he like.. i noe he's tired,he's stress out with his work.. i'm tyring to b more understaning but he reali neglect my feelings..i dun ask for much i juz wan someone who reali love me n reali wans me to b there for him as he reali need me coz he love me nt to help him do his things or juz to serve him.. sometime i reali felt tat i'm so cheap ,keep thinking tat my guy wld make love with me.. bt he didnt was it he dun love me animore or what the reason behind it? i keep telling myself he's tired n tat y so..bt his actions reali upset me.. last time he wld share doing hse chores wif me bt now all tat he do was to throw everything to me.. i cld oly say he's tired,n i have to b understanding.. juz keep my mouth shut.. i heard story,seeing couples breaking up after being together for yrs.. but y? they say "ying liao jie er fen le".. i'm so afraid,i reali dun wan tis to happen to my relationship.. i'm reali happy to b with him,i'm so much apprechiated to have him.. though i tends to complain mek noise but deep down i noe i reali did love him alot.. i reali dun wish to lose him.. we reali been thru alot,after all things i reali hope he wld cherish our relationship.. can we pplz dun let each other down again,hold each other firmly.. dun hurt each other,love each other pamper each other.. b there for each other..
cld stil rem his 2008 valentine present,he brough me to goldheart at j8 to let me chose something which i like.. although i like the celestial pendant more but the amount is too much so i chosen another which price is lower a normal pendant but i'm reali happi n contented le.. as the meaning behind is enuf.. coz its reali sweet of him.. but at tat point of time i cldnt buy him something tat he like as i'm broke reali broke..end up brought him a jean but haha til now he haven wear yet.. coz haven alter.. intially i wana make him a spec but "you xin wu li" coz reali broke,as i saw one frame in ep was lik so nice man.. he sure look damn handsome wif it on wan loh.. deardear,love u so much.. but i stil cldnt buy it for him..
tat time he was angry wif me as i keep changing of jobs..
i noe i was at fault.. n i noe i'm silly too..
bt reali i stil cldnt let go of those stupid things which is holding me back till now..
they r bugging me..i juz cldnt stop thinking at times.. it juz drive me carzy.. images keep popping out.. reali going crazy..but no one understand,ppl wld only say tat i tink too much.. juz like he do.. he even said i shld go c a doc,i'm mentally unstable.. ya indeed i tink i am.. thers time i reali cldnt control myself.. sometime felt tat we r drifting apart.. we hav got less time togother.. what we hav is only dinner time,tv time .. bt slowly i hav come to realize having to eat dinner togther is alrdy beri gd le,sometime he dun even hav time to have dinner wif me.. at least he did mek a effort can le lah.. as for washing dishes,ok he's tired.. no choice but to accept.. what more cld i expect? at least he's stil with me.. dun do the same thing again..please!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometime reali think tat although we dun hav much money in the past but we stil lead a hapi life with all those ups n downs quarrel n break ups.. last time he cld stil showered me with love n kisses now i seriously duno.. what can i say? i cant say anithing.. we wld only end up quarreling.. n tat is what he hates most of me.. attitude,throwing tempers n MIA.. but now mia he oso cant b bothered le.. he's juz too sick n tired of me.. n tat is y,lik he say i causes this.. or cld i say he alrdy cant b bothered abt coz the feelings he hav for me hav fade.. its so long so long coming 6mths we nv kiss kiss le.. cld only kiss him when he's aslp.. hug him when he's alsp.. or times to ask his permission or when he wans me to dosomething den i wld wan motivations.. tats all.. no french kiss for so long.. i reali miss the passionate kiss.. tink he reali dislike me,i reali duno wat to do mek him fall for me again.. i dun wan him to treat me as some responsiblities or juz a gf.. i wan him to love me..
deardear,
i miss ur passionate kisses,ur warmth hug n to cuddle in ur arms..
i miss the sweet times we have ,the foreplay the climates the excitements.. eveything seems so black n white.. colourless.. u noe hw am i feeling? i'm have been learning to be more understanding,do u notice the changes in me? i work hard dont idle animore.. try not to think too much,accept things that comes in the way.. respecting you understand you helps you in things i could help,i hope i didnt make things into a mess for you.. i jz wana lighten your loads.. bright your rainy days,brush off your tired days and gives you a happy sunshine day.. loving you is hard but having to leave you is even harder.. living without you is miserable..
my dear, mayb one day you wouldnt need me anymore.. but if there's one day you really needs me tell me,i will run back and be there for you..
01:14; secrets.
Y
